Dec 19, 2010

For Lovers of Creatures Great and Small: How do you say Goodbye?


When you were born with a heart destined to be shared with an animal, you were given both a gift and a curse. The gift is the joy to love and be loved without speaking a single word: To understand each other’s feelings with a single glance; to sense each other’s contentment with a single touch, and to know each other’s pain on the day you must part. The curse is the choice only you can make at the end of your best friend’s life. How do you say goodbye?

When you think about the years that have passed and realize that the one who stayed with you through them all is the one who must go; how do you say goodbye?

When all you can remember are the nights your world seemed to be coming to an end and a gentle nudge from a familiar furry face made it all seem okay. You remember getting lost in those moments of innocent love and you knew you would treasure them always. How do you say goodbye when you think of those nights? How do you surrender the truest love you’ve ever known when Death knocks on the door?

You struggle and plead and pray. But you know Death is going to win in the end, and you hate him because he robs you of your love. So you steal the last few moments; the last few strokes on the head. You savor the feel of his soft fur under your palm. He’s warm and innocent. He gazes at you with those trusting eyes. You tell him that you love him and it’s the first moment you know that he doesn’t understand.

You feel like a traitor. He gave you comfort when no one else could and now your heart breaks because you don’t know how to give it back. You remember all his love and you don’t know how to say goodbye. You want another day; another night; just one more moment.

But Death is waiting. And He’s so cruel. You hate him.

The one you love hurts. Not so badly that he can’t bare it, but you can’t bare it, because you know what’s coming. You’ve seen it before. The pain. The struggle. The deterioration. You love him too much to let him feel that even for a moment. You want to spare him that because you love him so much.

What a task – to chose the moment you surrender to Death.

Your pain is deeper than his. You question the moment. Perhaps I’m being selfish, you say to yourself. I haven’t given him enough time to fight for his own life. Then you see those eyes. You know they don’t understand. Something’s not right, they say. But I still love you. And your heart breaks.

The choice is yours. That horrible heart-wrenching choice. Do you wait until he is so weak that there is no choice? Or do you give him over to Death with dignity, before the Robber can take him piece by piece?

He looks at you with those trusting eyes. He doesn’t understand. No matter what you do, you know he still trusts you and that just makes it harder.

You hug him and tell him you love him and you cry. Then you pick him up and put him in the car to drive him to the Gate of Death. You don’t want to say goodbye.

You sign the form. The needle appears. You kiss him and cry as he slips away. Suddenly you change your mind. You want him back. But it’s too late.

You hate Death because he won. The Love Stealer has taken him and your heart shouts at God, Why? Why did you let Death win?

You caress his limp body one last time and take a lock of fur before he’s taken away. In a single moment your heart was broken and it will never be the same again.

You wonder if you’ll really ever see him again. If his soul will be resurrected with yours. Will you ever again feel him nuzzle your cheek? That incredible sense of comfort that no one else could ever give you? Will you ever feel it again? You wonder. Then you cry and you ask God when He will make the pain in your heart stop. And you wonder how He will ever fill the hole Death left there. You shake your fist at the Heavens and beg an answer to the question, why?

You know time will heal your heart, but never completely. Because you know that when that needle stopped his heart it took a piece of yours with it.

The nights are too long. There’s no comfort next to your pillow. No more purring. No more nuzzling. No more soft body to snuggle in those quiet moments you shared with no one else.

There’s guilt. An empty ache. You still question the choice.

The pain and the tears subside but the night is still too quiet without that gentle breath of love that soothed you to sleep for a lifetime that would always seem too short. And you can never really say goodbye.

In loving memory of Tralayne Ruggles
May 3, 1986 – March 9, 2000


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2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Beautifully written description of the pain you feel when losing a dear furry friend.

Anonymous said...

Author: Thank you.